숙고

"If I am the great king then you are my Hephaistion. A true beloved in the eyes of one who is beloved by others. With your level head and tender nature, my impulses and ego may sit tranquil at the lapping shores of amor. Had I been there in Babylonia, you would have been deified. For I love you more than the greatest lion in history loved his most important and trusted lamb." ~A.H.M.

Ponderings on the topic of religion and freedom...

I once believed in a god full of clemency and adoration for his creation. I was raised to go to church, not every sunday, but often enough to know what most people thought about fate.
But that god failed me and more importantly he failed many others as well. Why should one sit back and praise a name that tests so many to their breaking points (and too often they break)? I suppose you could say that they had done something to deserve it. Certainly I am earning of punishment but what of those who aren't? Is it merely a test of faith? What a game. Someone who had so much love in himself for something dear to him would not do such a thing, would he? Perhaps it is a divine understanding of suffering that we are unable to understand. I will deny no reasoning as I am aware of the mental capacity of even the most "intelligent" of human beings but I am doubtful (yet another human trait). Why would some entity create an entire race to watch them worship him, punish them when they don't and see them try their whole lives to recieve his higher hand? It sounds like a dictatorship. Like a cruel game that not a single animal should be forced upon. People should be free to choose for themselves what they will. And many of us are. It is my own choosing to believe only in what I make for myself. Nobody, in my opinion, shall make me into something. That is what I must do on my own. Even oppressed peoples who are told to believe in something, may choose in their minds if they truly agree or not, even if they are forbidden physical practice. In the words of Aristotle... "The body is worth nothing without the mind to rule it, as its function is to labour that the mind may live."
I strive not to uphold one view in favour of crushing another. I admire people of strong faith because I was too weak to hold any. I only encourage people to not let go of the reigns entirely...do not give them all to your god but rather take what blessings you are given and help them along. The king may give you a beautiful pony but you must work with your own hands to tame him to your liking. And the same if you are left with a limping steed who reeks of the filth called labour...You must comb out the tangles in his mane and begin him only walking so that he may be nursed to a brilliant canter.
~KSM

깊은 침묵

"You are a delicate lotus who was taken from your peace by my barbaric hands because I desired to have all of the time, the happiness that overcomes me when I look upon you...Now I am most glad that you have adapted and not become withered from my foreign touch. I hope to preserve you not for me anymore...but for your own well being." - A.H.M.

Today I finished my book!! I get so emotionally attatched to characters in books that I end up with extreme emotional reactions at the end...This time around I cried my heart out for the death of Alexander and the loss of Bagoas' purpose and love. HAHAAHHAHAHAHAE I'm a dork XD

But I was left meditating a kind of troublesome ending....Bagoas weeps on behalf of his lord throughout the book for various things such as the preservation of his dignity, loyalty of his troops, success in campaigns, the selfishness of love, etc. However, upon the death of Alexander...he sheds not a tear. After thinking for a while and digging through my own emotional patterns I came to a conclusion. This silence is not of malice but is profound. If one should weep so heavily for insignificant matters, what left is there but voidness to come from your throat in times of such utter, melancholic, despair?
It is a silence...but it is a profound one.

시를

For a project, I am writing in verse. In particular 5th Asclepiadean! Mr. Kem says it is the most difficult verse. He was so cruelly ridiculing me when I told him my idea! Haha xD
I will still continue despite the fact that it is very difficult.. Hahaha he was right! Anyway, I finished a row (very incorrectly of course but I have worked so long that the product of my labour must be shown anyway XD):

DOLAV/DEMSOLVTVM//VERBVM-elision-OBSILEN//TEMLEOPA/RDVMET... -tbc-
(I give loose praise and a word on account of the silent leopard...)

Also ... My thesis for Western Civ. was rejected because it was too contraversial to present to the class. Dr. Werener is an incredible classicist who will read and critique my paper outside of school though :) My initial, rough-draft thesis was as follows:

It is important to tether in mind that Modern American society is worlds apart from Ancient Greek society, especially when speculating customs and behaviours in antiquity. It is an easy mistake to apply personal biases, based on modern habits, to situations of antiquity but nonetheless, it is a mistake that must be avoided in order to better understand foreign cultures and cultures lost in time. Paidestras is a custom that is specifically targeted by such biases. The bahaviour associated with homosexual relationships is a contraversial tarpit for Modern Americans and so recieves contraversial connotations even in its original ancient setting. Homosexuality between males was, in fact, not looked down upon but encouraged in antiquity. Exceptions are homosexual relationships between women which existed, especially in Dyonisic cults, but were viewed as strange and vulgar; and homosexual relationships between adult males around the same age, again, which happened but were considered to be astray of the true purpose of Paidestras.

호의

There is nothing more worthwhile than to look into the eyes of your lover and see that they are pleased.
It is a blissful silence but also a troublesome indulgence.
You want nothing more than for your lover to be happy and they wish the same upon you, so there can arise, a conflict.
Your lover offers you favours but you refuse so as not to be a burden.
However, the fact is that too often the burden is declining.
Who is allowed to be more generous? It's selfish.
If you truly want to please your lover, do not reject their gifts and favours but find a happy medium between accepting and offering.
Lay down your ego and think about the true pleasure of your lover.
Do not indulge too much in favor but do not forget to offer your own favours still.

~KSM

문학

I'm addicted!
I can not stop reading literature. In particular, literature of the ancient nature.
In my Western Civilization class we are reading about Alexander. I already know all about him, but he's still so much fun! So I’m reading Mary Renault's "The Persian Boy". Renault has a poetic and simple writing style at the same time. It's like ... Aeschylus ... but modern. Haha
I write about Alexander in the other classes, too! Things like the death of Kleitos:

And there my lord lay wailing
His face a solemn pale
I reached out to carress him
But all he did was wail
his eyes were fiercely gleaming
"Noli me tangere"
And so I left him weeping
To bathe the earthy grave

Today, my Latin class learned we would go to Italy! It's funny. Italy ...! City of love ... XD Oh no! MEH! I won't worry! I love history and will have a good time!
I hope I can go there! It would be fantastic!

I am also tired of seeing the snow. I want to be in the rain! I want to splash in the street singing loudly hahahahaha!

그럼 왜 우리를 사랑합니까?

I long more than anything to give.
I long to give my comfort. To give my love. To give my protection.
In return for these things I ask but one thing. I ask that you will long for these gifts as much as I long to give them to you. Love is a complicated idea. It is not a game like most people say. Games have the same trivial goals as children.
Love is a thing that will keep you awake all night, aching and sighing in your grief. It is like a sickness that when you come out of, either makes you stronger or kills you by the festering battle scars. To desire to conquer someone so tenderly...
To want so badly that this person not come to harm that they should love you alone is an oxymoron. This passion leads directly to selfish behaviour and then to the speculation of moral philosophy. Love is a maze of morals and emotions.
It is a wine too strong for much drinking, but the bitter-sweet taste is so addicting to the palette that you drink it anyhow. The drunkness is either recieved well or with madness.
So why do we love?
If it is a dangerous practice ... why we do it?
Sin can be sweet...can it not?

~김승민